Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
