I can text with my tongue
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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