how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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