I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize