I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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