Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
