maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
