Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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