i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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