I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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