I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
