wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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