I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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