Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my vagina is haunted
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
