she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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