That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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