Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
