God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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