Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
