where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
