1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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