I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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