i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
