Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
