no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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