I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
