Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
