Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
