You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
