She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
