you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
