Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
