fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
