Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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