it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
