she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
