Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She's the barista slut.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
