Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
