I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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