My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
