i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
