four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
