I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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