i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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