i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
