dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
