If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
