I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
