I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
