last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
