I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
