woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
