Don't make out with my wife yet
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
