the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
